Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
