saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
