Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
