remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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