I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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