I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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