I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
