Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Damn victory sex feels great
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
