I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
