Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
