I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
