ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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