It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
