Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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