My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
In other news, I just burned my penis
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
