Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
