I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
