I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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