I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
