I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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