I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
