yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You pole danced in your parka.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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