you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
