I accidentally had phone sex last night
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
