Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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