Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
BRING THE BAGELS
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
