I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
