Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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