I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
