I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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