Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Jerry, you need to find god
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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