Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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