My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
