he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
