Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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