I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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