Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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