he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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