u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I need to stop coming to work sober
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
