im about as happy as oj after his trial
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
