Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you would pick up someone in the library
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
