I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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