I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
so much tequila, so little girl.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
