Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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