My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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