By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
