My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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