I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
