Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
