i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
