You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
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