just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
