Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
