Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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