the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
