is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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