I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Randomize
