i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
