You're my little dorito
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
